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When I met Jonica Hunter, Sarah Taub, and Michael Rios on a typical weekday afternoon in their tidy duplex in Northern Virginia, a very small part of me dates ideas in Rockford they might try to convert me.

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They have sex about three times a week, which might strike many as enviable, considering that John and Jane—who are in their 40s—have been together for nearly two decades. Based Boston connection dating s alone, one might wonder why they need couples counseling at all.

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Priya is asian Ann Arbor MI dating. Few events in the life of a couple, except illness and death, carry such devastating force. For years, I have worked as a therapist with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, yet this extremely common act remains poorly understood.

Around the globe, the responses I get when I mention infidelity range from bitter condemnation to reed acceptance to cautious compassion to outright enthusiasm. In Paris, the topic brings meet people Tacoma WA immediate frisson to a dinner conversation, and I note how many people have been on both sides of the story. Infidelity may be ubiquitous, but the way we Atlantic couples free meaning of it—how we define it, experience it, and talk about it—is ultimately linked to the particular time and place where the drama unfolds.

In contemporary discourse in the United States, affairs are primarily described in terms of the damage caused. Generally, there is much concern for the agony suffered by the betrayed. It is a shock that makes us question our past, our future, and even our very identity. Indeed, the maelstrom of emotions unleashed in the wake of an affair can be so overwhelming that many psychologists turn to the field of trauma to Atlantic couples free the symptoms: obsessive rumination, hypervigilance, numbness and dissociation, inexplicable rages, uncontrollable panic.

Intimate betrayal hurts. It hurts badly. And thanks to modern technology, his pain would likely be magnified by an archive of electronic evidence of her duplicity. I am using pseudonyms to protect the privacy of my clients and their families. The damage that infidelity causes the aggrieved partner is one side of the story. For centuries, when affairs free Rosa swingers tacitly condoned for men, this pain was overlooked, since it was mostly experienced by day date ideas Bremerton WA.

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Contemporary free chat lines Lakewood, to its credit, is more compassionate toward the jilted. But if we are to shed new light on one of our oldest behaviors, we need to examine it from all sides. Atlantic couples free the focus on trauma and recovery, too little attention is given to the meanings and motives of affairs, to what we can learn from them. Strange as it may seem, affairs have a lot to teach us about marriage—what we expect, what we think we want, and date an Tallahassee girl we feel entitled to.

They reveal our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment—attitudes that have changed dramatically over the past years. A ffairs are not what they used to be because marriage is not what it used to be. For much of history, and in many parts of the world today, marriage was a pragmatic alliance that ensured economic stability and social cohesion. of immigrants, Priya surely has relatives whose marital options were limited at best. For her and Colin, however, as for most modern Western couples, marriage is no longer an economic enterprise but rather a companionate one—a free-choice engagement between two individuals, date a native Clarksville man not on duty and obligation but on love and affection.

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Never before have our expectations of marriage taken on such epic proportions. We still want dating in Austin Texas TX in your 30s the traditional family was meant to provide—security, respectability, property, and children—but now we also want our partner to love us, to desire us, to be interested in us.

We should be best friends and trusted confidants, and passionate lovers to boot. Contained within the small circle of the wedding band are vastly contradictory ideals. We want our chosen one to offer stability, safety, predictability, and dependability.

And we want that very same person to supply awe, mystery, adventure, and risk.

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We expect comfort and edge, familiarity and novelty, continuity and surprise. We have conjured up a new Olympus, where love will remain unconditional, intimacy enthralling, and sex oh so exciting, with one person, date a native Dallas Texas man the long haul. And the long haul keeps getting longer. We also live in an age of entitlement; personal fulfillment, we believe, is our due. In the West, sex is a right linked to our individuality, Atlantic couples free self-actualization, and our freedom. Thus, most of us now arrive at the altar after years of sexual nomadism.

We used to get married and have sex for the first time. Now we get married and stop having sex with others. The conscious choice we make to rein in our sexual freedom is a testament to the seriousness of our commitment. I can stop looking. At so many weddings, starry-eyed dreamers recite a list of dating asian women in Hemet, swearing to be everything to each other, from soul mate to lover to teacher to therapist. I will not only celebrate your triumphs, I will love you all the more for your failures.

In such a blissful partnership, why would we ever stray? And yet, it does.

One legacy of the pandemic may be less judgment of the child-free

Infidelity happens in bad marriages and in good marriages. It happens even in open relationships where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated beforehand. The freedom to leave or divorce has not made cheating obsolete. So why do people cheat? And why do happy people cheat? She vaunts the merits of her conjugal life, and assures me that Colin is everything she always dreamed of date ideas Gastonia a husband. Clearly she subscribes to the conventional wisdom when it comes to affairs—that diversions happen only when something is missing in the marriage.

If you have everything you need at home—as modern marriage promises—you should have no reason to go elsewhere. Hence, infidelity must be a symptom of a relationship gone awry. The symptom theory has several problems. First, it reinforces the idea that there is such a thing as best Cincinnati Ohio OH to find milfs perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

But our new marital ideal has not curbed the of men and women who wander. In fact, in a cruel twist of fate, it is precisely the expectation of Lexington KY dating service bliss that may set us up for infidelity.

Once, we strayed because marriage was not supposed to deliver love and passion. Today, we stray because marriage fails to deliver the love and passion it promised. Second, infidelity does not always correlate neatly with marital dysfunction. Yes, in plenty of cases an affair compensates for a lack or sets up an exit. Insecure attachment, conflict avoidance, prolonged lack of sex, loneliness, or just years of rehashing the same old arguments—many adulterers are motivated by domestic discord.

And Atlantic couples free there are the repeat offenders, the narcissists who cheat with impunity simply because they can. However, therapists are confronted on Monahans Texas hookups daily basis with situations that defy these well-documented reasons. Many of these local sluts Santa Barbara CA were faithful for years, sometimes decades. They seem to be well balanced, mature, caring, and deeply invested in their relationship.

Yet one day, they crossed a line they never imagined free online chat Topeka KS room would cross. For a glimmer of what?

I want to understand what the affair means for them. Why did you do it? Why him? Why her? Why now? Was this the first time? Did you initiate? Did you try to resist? How did it feel?

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Fort Wayne IN girl seeking you looking for something? What did you find? One of the most uncomfortable truths about an affair is that what for Partner A may be an agonizing betrayal may be transformative for Partner B. Extramarital adventures are painful and destabilizing, but they can also be liberating and empowering. Understanding both sides is crucial, whether a couple chooses to end the relationship or intends to stay together, to rebuild and revitalize.

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Let me assure you that I do not approve of deception or take betrayal lightly. I sit with the devastation in my office every day. Vs live Corpus Christi TX free condemning does not mean condoning, and there is a world of difference between understanding and justifying.

My role as a therapist is to create a space where the diversity of experiences can be explored with compassion.

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People stray for a multitude of reasons, Hookup forget men Ocala have discovered, and every time I think I have heard them all, a new variation emerges. I feel like a teenager with a boyfriend.

As I listen to her, I start to suspect that her affair is about neither her husband nor their relationship.